On Being Intersexed
I grew up a happy boy at least until ten or so. But things were never exactly normal. Though I had no idea they were out of the ordinary for boy's behavior. As I grew I began to notice things, one my father was increasingly frustrated with me. I knew I was somehow not meeting his expectations of what I should be. Second when I went to play with the other children in the family I was nervously watched by their mothers. It did not matter if it were boys or girls I was watched. When I was with my girl cousins it was if I might hurt them and when I played with the boys it was if I would get hurt or something else. If the play got to the point where I was being held by the boys I would always be called into the house to do some stupid thing and while I was never called in when I was with the girls I knew I was being watched. Trouble is I liked playing with the girls I love my cousins doll house and asked repeatedly for one like it every Christmas.
My life was a series of mixed signals about my gender. Yes I was a boy; I knew that because I had that thing I peed with dangling between my legs. But everything else said I was a girl I had wide hips and soft skin and try as I may could not develop any muscle tone. I had complained about the scratchy cotton of boy's underwear and I had the rashes to prove it and mother changed me over night as it were to girls nylon panties and tops on the grounds that they would be better on my delicate skin. The problem with my tops was they had no sleeves and some tops my aunt gave me looked more like slips, never the less they were basic white and as unadorned as a post but they made me feel better. They had one drawback I had to pee sitting down. At home it was not a problem at school it was.
As I got older things began to get worse, I was not developing as I should still skinny and my penis was still tiny like that of a child's. This part I kept entirely to my self out of fear. Yet it was a time when I should be noticing girls but I felt nothing for either sex. So it was a complete surprise when Johnny one of my cousins kissed me on the mouth. Up till that time he had been holding my hand something I did not even think was odd, then the kiss. I was shocked the first instant and I stiffened but then something inside of me said this is the way it should be dummy and I relaxed and let him continue. Another half second Aunt Helen his mother rushed out and literally tore us apart. She marched me into the parlor and closed the door. I heard her shouting at my mother she called me an abomination and devil spawn and mother's punishment I was born that way my aunt screamed and ill always be an abomination. The door flew open and mother with tears streaming down took me home in a cab. I was never asked to come back to Aunt Helen's because somehow I did something wrong. And also I was not allowed to come to aunt charlottes anymore and play with her kids. I kept asking why and my mother always put me off. Finally to get me away from all the rising hate and prejudice of the family mother decided to have me visit my aunt Pat's and her girls for the summer. My aunt Pat thought the kissing insident was hysterical. Then she said something ill always remember like it happened yesterday. Aunt Pat stopped laughing turned to me and asked "did you like it". I turned a bright red and froze yes I had liked it. The kiss appealed to me something terribly naughty and yet terribly exciting even thinking about it my nipples got hard as a rock. Aunt Pat smiled a wolfish grin and got out a document and handed it to me it was a copy of my birth certificate. But this one was different; the one in my home had been dated 18 months after I was born. This copy was dated a few days after my birth. It said my name was Katherine and I was a girl. I sat staring at the document. Was this a joke? I was a boy, wasn't I? Aunt Pat explained to me that I was born with both gender parts and even though I had more female parts than male I did have a viable testis and well being a male was better than a female's life. I could not believe what she was telling me they actually ripped out all my female parts which were also functioning in favor of this one testis.
At first I was shocked and thought this never really happens to real people. There has to be another explanation. Then as the facts sank in it explained so much of my life, there were the mysterious scars down there my mother told me happened when I was born and then all the things in my life began to make sense. But why did they have to do that to me WHY ME! At 15 my whole world was devastated. The most basic question and the first question any one asks of a new born is not is it healthy or how big is it but is it a girl or boy once that is settled everything else is secondary in this world. I burst into tears. I had been so unhappy trying to be a boy so ashamed that my body was developing wide hips and then the nipples were now so sensitive and dark the latest was the mounds of flesh I could not bring myself to call them boobs. When my father saw them he hit the ceiling and then to punctuate his disappointment he hit me. Then he made me lift weights but I could not lift more than the smallest weight no matter how long I spent on them my mounds got bigger and my muscles seem to get smaller finally I stopped lifting weights convinced the weights were making it worse.
When ever I had a beating I would go to my aunt's in tears. One day, after a bad beating, I arrived on her door step black and blue and in a half dressed tattered condition Aunt Pat said after you clean your self up why don't you wear one of Diane's dresses for now and see how it feels you would look very nice in it. It was not the first time I put on a dress but this time aunt Pat asked me to wear one. From then on I wore a dress when I came to Aunt Pat's and played with her daughters in girls clothes but this was not what my father wanted. I was soon taken to our doctor and more tests were run. They found out my male hormone level was just below average. They decided I should start taking testosterone and some steroids. They did not tell me of course what they planed to do but I was old enough to get the just of what was going to happen to me. So when the doctor came into the room with a tray and a shot on it I grabbed pair of scissors and told him if he stuck that needle in me I was surly going to stick the scissors into his neck. He was taken back as rage about my life and what they did to me over flowed in me. I reminded the doctor just who was his patient and he changed his mind about the shot. But father was not happy he took me home and beat me so bad I had to be taken to the hospital. We went to several doctors looking for some one to say they had a plan to make me a strapping boy like my brother. Finally he found someone to test weather I was actually a boy or girl but much to his anger my DNA proved I was XXY, dad acted like I had betrayed him and I was in a woman's plot to embarrass him he glared at mom and my self. But as the doctor said even if they had given me the testosterone it might not have worked as well as they liked for you have to have the needed receptors to make use of it and apparently I did not. The doctor suggested estrogen hormones instead. True my body would become female but the process would be much easer than it would be male. Father was not buying any of this and took me home and beat me again. If I thought my life was low I was wrong for the catholic school where I went had for 20 years a dirty little secret, the coach was a child molester and I was perfect for him. After school I would have to come to him and let him do things to me or he would let the guys tease me and hit me with wet towels in the shower. If I did what he wanted I could shower in the girls shower room alone away from the guys stinging wet towels and they would not tease me in school. My parents pretended nothing was wrong even after I took my mothers whole bottle of codeine and was rushed to the hospital, they pretended it was all a mistake. But I think mom was beginning to understand for she had me dress in a beautiful party dress for my 16th birthday. She gave me one big order and that was never get or be undressed in front of a male ever again not even my father. It was the same order I learned that grandma gave her when she was growing up and I began to understand why. My body was getting soft and my hips were getting wide, this was not the way males were supposed to grow up but then just what was I anyway. How could I tell her of the coach at school I was beginning to think I really was an abomination and a curse to my mom. I wanted to die I didn't want to have this pain or hurt anyone else again. I daily thought of ways I could end it all. However even in the darkest night the morning will break and the clouds were beginning to part when they caught the coach and put him in jail and children's hospital called they were starting a new program which dwelt with the intersexed. They had kept records and I was one of the children they had done so long ago and was not functioning in my assigned sex. Actually of none the babies they chouse to "normalize" had not worked out and they were quite disturbed by that fact. They interviewed my mother and my father and my aunts and me finally they let me in the program. From there it was a rapid course to hormones and living as a female in a group home then the operation and finally saying goodbye to all those girls I had grown so close to. I began to live as a female, one who had terrible birth defects but now I was on the right track.
I was unprepared for collage as a female, and I had a hard time mostly do to the dating game. Still my orientation of sexual mate was changing though I was never attracted to women I was now beginning to like men in my life. Never at first sexually, of course just the need to be flattered and wanted by them and my liking to caterer to them. With a little help and my collage credits I became a registered nurse.
I still have my rage against the doctor who thought he knew better than god what I should be. This practice should be stopped it is an outrage and yet they let it go on. The pain it caused me cannot be measured. If I had been born with a withered arm it would have been tragic but it would have been accepted. Yet when someone is born with gender problems they are treated as freaks and worse, I never understood this and never will.