Transsexuals' and Crossdressers' Partners
Can My Marriage Survive?
by Laura Amato
One of the most common questions partners of Transsexuals and Crossdressers have is "can my marriage survive"? If your partner is a CD the answer is yes, most will survive this with a little compromise. There is even a Bill of Rights for Crossdressers and their partners. Usually its a simple matter of getting private time for their activities. Since being a CD is a matter of expressing their feminine side to relieve stress it is usually accepted as long as it is kept private. Wives sometime object to being asked to participate in crossdressing activities and they shouldn't have to if they are unwilling to do so. The good news is that Crossdressers are all man afterwards and are not interested in changing sex or becoming a woman.
If your partner is Transsexual though this is an entirely differrent matter. Ts's do want to change their sex This is often a deal breaker for most marriages. Very few relationships can survive this situation. Just a few years ago Transsexuals were required to divorce their spouses before they could receive SRS or sexual reassignment surgery. This was strictly enforced by Gender therapists and surgeons. Fortunately this is no longer the case. Couples may stay together if they wish. This is much harder than it sounds.
Transsexualism is now considered a Physiological Inborn Intersex condition, not a mental one. The hypothalmus in the brain is physically the same size opposite their body sex. Most felt they were the wrong sex as their first remembered thought at the age of 4 or 5. Unfortunatly few parents know how to deal with this and force their children to behave like their body sex dictates. This results in traumatic supression of their actual brain sex and they are unable to be themselves. In a male bodied person with HBS for example, their true sex or brain sex is actually female both physically (brain), emotionally and mentally. At puberty there is further trauma which resembles a real life horror story as their bodies change into something foreign to them. Worse yet most teens going through this are alone, trapped within their own bodies. This is a nightmare few ever recover from. Meanwhile (in this example) their female brain does not develop socially as it should which can cause personality and other mental disorders. The transsexual is stuck this way until they experience their "awakening" to what they really are. Over 31% wil kill themselves and 50% will have had at least one suicide attempt by the age of 20.
The truth is, you are with an undeveloped female (example) both physically (brain) and mentally. Appearances are deceiving and your partner is likley confused as well and embroiled in inner conflict. They were reared believing Transexuality was wrong. Many vowed to "Cure" themselves and entered what they thought were opposite sex relationships. Visually that was correct from their perspective but truely it was not. The illusion even works for a while with the subject even thinking the cure was successful. The intention was never to deceive. In time the "awakening" occurs and the subject comes out of their traumatic trance. Things can never be the same again. The genie is out of the bottle. Trying to get her back in just isn't going to happen. Attempts to do so will only be temporary and will fail. The possibility of suicide is now greatly increased unless treatment occurs.
The first and most important step of course is therapy. During this time the true diagnosis is determined if the patient tells the truth and the motivation is revealed. Is it really HBS or a fantasy? It's time for them to face reality. This is no easy road. Anyone who tells you that this process won't change them is in for a rude awakening. Everything will be on the table including sexual orientation. Of course it won't change for everyone but the possibility is there. Before transition there is no sure way to determine how your partner is going to turn out. Your spouse doesn't know either though many will claim to.
There is an important thing to realize once transition begins and hormones are prescribed. Your partner is now a thirteen year old about to go through a second puberty. Teenagers not only go through physical changes but social and mental ones as well. A sense of self is just starting to develop perhaps for the first time in their lives. At this time it is important for them to create their own self-esteem. Those who don't work on this will not get very far. Think back to when you were a teen and you will have an idea what is going on in your partners head. They do have the added advantage of their accumultated life experiences though but as the opposite gender. Compared to tenagers though they will have a very short puberty period lasting up to two years. At the end of this time if they've been successful they will for the first time have a developed sense of self. It is only now that they will know what they really want and their orientation will be safely set. After SAS Sex Affirrnation Surgery they are complete and truely themselves. This is the closest thing to a cure they are going to get.
During this time your feelings are important, not just your partners. You need support too. Things though are not going to be the same. Obviously the relationship is going to change, it has to for physical reasons at the very least. Your partner may tell you they won't change. No one can go through this process and be the same person. They will likley become a better person, not worse. Yet they are not the gender you thought you married.
If you see this as a "Lesbian relationship" and have a problem with this that is very normal. Your partner needs to know that this is not trivial. If this is how you feel your marriage will not likely survive. You are not alone as just a handful will stay married. Most become friendships but not all of them. The biggest fear someone with HBS has is that they will be alone without support. If you can be supportive it would mean the world to them. If you cannot try to part on good tems.
The marriages that do survive are usually older couples not younger ones. The reasons may be economic, convienence familiarity and love. Those who make it do so by looking not at the gender their partner is but the person they are in love with. That is a rare gift. Few people can do this.
If you are intrested in having children with your spouse it is important to have their sperm or eggs frozen and stored before hormone treatment begins. Hormones cause sterility rather quickly.